The Deal of the Century for Trump the Peacemaker

How to solve Ukrainian crisis and Make America Great Again.

Trump is clearly wasting his time trying to negotiate with Putin, Zelensky, EU leaders and so on. These guys have been fighting with each other for too long to be capable of compromise. But here is what Trump has to do.

1. He has to ask the Ukrainian institute of National Memory to prepare the report on Ukrainian Cossacks, who — after they discovered Alaska — had descended upon Canada, discovering the land and populating it from the sea to shining sea. And the million of Canadian Ukrainians would be happy to confirm it, as they confirm everything that the esteemed Institute of National Memory feeds them.

2. Eventually a group of these courageous warriors felt restricted by the presence of Americans on their southern border, and decided to go further, discovering Greenland in the process. Giving the country its original title: Zelena Storona, which later was anglicized into Greenland.

3. The same Ukrainian institute of national memory, which consists of the greatest fantasists known to mankind — outside Gogol, of course — will prove that the name Zelensky means the scion and heir of Greenland.

4. Once these facts are established, Nuland would be send to both Ottawa and Greenland with a set of cookies and few billion dollars in her pockets to organize local Maidans, delivering Greenland and Canada to Washington. Zelensky would be appointed “our man” and put in charge of these two freshly minted American States. And if Denmark or Canada dare to complain, they would be deplatfromed from the social media, blacklisted, turned into international pariahs, and declared stooges of Putin and enemies of the free and democratic Ukraine, the brave honorable country which simply wants to live within its historical borders.

5. Knowing Zelensky, he will surely create trouble next time he is flown to Oval office to sign the official transfer of the extended Ukrainian territory into American hands. Not to worry.

6. In a deal of a century, Zelensky would be offered a fantastic job as the sole ruler of the UK. He is already declared the Churchill-ncarnate on the British Isles, and is already idolized both by British jingoist press and equally jingoistic politicians. He is already smarter that all the Tories combined. He already has more integrity than all the Labor combined. He is already better dressed the big fat idiot and the dubious lawyer, the fake defender of human rights, knighted for his constant lying on the behalf of the British Empire. Zelensky will be perfect as the British King and Prime Minister, and will surely save Brits some money for combining two positions into one. And last but not least, as far from Russia as possible. It is a win-win situation for everyone.

7. And Nobel Peace Price would finally go to someone who truly deserved it. OK. I am not greedy. I’ll share it with Trump. 50:50. Of course, I will need few stellar lawyers to double check the contract with Trump, but I am sure I can always hire one or two among those who ever worked for him. There should be a peace-maker or two among them, wouldn’t you say?