It's Not Life, it's a Fairy Tale in the Land of Pink Unicorns

We carefully listened to the report of Minister of Education  to President.

It was truly a pleasure to listen — the level of education was maintained (was it declining?), it wasn’t let go, all challenges were met, and all assignments were fulfilled.

And school life is so favorable, even blissful — just like in the land of pink unicorns.

And the students in this country are all rosy-cheeked, their hair done, helping old ladies cross the street, and preparing for challenges — strictly according to the federal plan. And all because the appropriate orders were issued on time — that’s how everything works in this country. As soon as something goes wrong, bam! — the corresponding order is issued, and everything immediately returns to normal and even more joyful.

Schoolchildren in this country study exclusively according to high-level federal programs, unlike ours. And their workload is strictly regulated. As soon as someone tries to study more than they’re supposed to, they’re shown a related order, signed by the minister himself, and that student’s desire to break the law is immediately erased. That’s how lucky they are in this wonderful country.

And if anyone doubts that this country has the highest education in the world, know this: all winners of international Olympiads are citizens of this country. They’re taught so well in school. True, not all of them remain citizens after winning, and certainly not for long, but that’s a whole other story. And that’s not what the report is about. But it’s still an accurate indicator of the level of education in the country, just as the number of rich people on the Forbes list is an accurate indicator of the well-being of the entire population. Everyone understands that.

And they live so well because very wise people manage education. For example, if there are a lot of bullies, they immediately issue new regulations and introduce a new position in schools—one called an education advisor. And this advisor starts dispensing such advice that all the problems of upbringing literally evaporate before your eyes. Bullies suddenly become exemplary, love their country, and get excellent marks on their Unified State Exams. And some even boost the birth rate early, which is considered honorable and commendable in this country.

You might ask, how do teachers live in this awesome country? They live wonderfully! How could it be otherwise? After all, every resident of the land of pink unicorns is born with the dream of becoming a teacher. Or, at worst, a school principal. And they, without exception, want to work for free, because it’s a great honor. Even more honorable than boosting the birth rate early.

So, the teachers are walking to school, and along the way, everyone smiles at them, says hello, and some even bow and offer them gingerbread.

Everyone wants to show their respect for teachers so much that they even have to impose screening checkpoints at school entrances to keep out all those citizens that want to get in, so that they don’t interfere with exemplary students’ learning. According to ideal textbooks, from ideal teachers.

Sometimes, of course (but very occasionally!), teachers aren’t respected enough, or someone doesn’t say hello, but the wise minister created a new council for the protection of teachers’ honor and dignity, which immediately dispensed so much advice that teachers’ prestige skyrocketed. In the worst case, this protective council has so many pieces of advice, instructions, and orders that it’s more than enough for every careless student. They can even export all their advice and instructions abroad.

So, getting into teacher training colleges in this country is very difficult; there are 12 people per place—intense competition! Only the best minds in the country are accepted. And those who fail to enter the teaching profession go straight to college, because the second dream of schoolchildren in this country, after becoming a teacher, is to master a trade.

These are the happy and joyful things in the beautiful land of pink unicorns.

If you tell anyone, they won’t believe you. We wouldn’t believe it ourselves if we didn’t know for sure that such a country exists. Absolutely, for damn sure.

We eagerly await the next report on how the citizens of this distant, magical land are living and what further successes have been achieved there.